Please, Pull Me Out!

April 2, 2011 § Leave a comment

I don’t even know where I should start.

Yeah yeah, I know you all know: it’s about love. Again.

Sometimes I wonder why God create kinda thing like ‘love’. How come this thing we cannot even look at, can affects our life so deep?

Why?

It bothers me much. I have a problem with it. And I can’t solve it. Just because it’s too damn abstract.

Kamu yang di sana, mungkin kamu berpikir aku sudah tak tahan denganmu. Mungkin kamu berpikir, lambat laun, aku tidak lagi menjadi wanita yang kamu inginkan dulu. Dulu, saat kamu pertama kali mengenalku.

Pertama kali kamu mengenalku. Aku masih sering memikirkan SMS yang kamu kirimkan padaku tak lama setelah kamu resmi menadi pacarku. Satu SMS itu.

Ah, I cry again.

Entahlah, aku tak ingat persis urutan kata-katanya. Yang jelas, sependek ingatanku, kamu menyebutkan namaku, mengatakan kebaikan-kebaikan yang ada padaku.

Well, kebaikan-kebaikan yang menurutmu ada padaku.

Kamu tahu tidak? Beberapa detik setelah itu aku rasanya bahagia sekali. Bahagia sekali. Sambil teringat janji-pukul-setengah-lima-sore-mu yang mengatakan kamu tak akan menyakitiku seperti orang yang terlebih dahulu mengisi hatiku.

Aku bahagia sekali.

We did have great times together. We were hanging out together just like any other couples. We shared things we know, which means you did this more than me beause I was a girl who still didn’t know things as much as you.

You open up my mind.

Itulah yang membuatku sangat menghargaimu, bahkan menghormatimu. Apa yang kamu tahu kamu juga membaginya untukku. Dan caramu itu. Kamu tidak begitu saja ‘memberi’, kamu juga membuatku mengerti bagaimana cara mendapatkannya. Something called ‘process’. Kamu mengeluarkan apa yang sebelumnya terkungkung di dalam diriku. Bahwa aku bisa melakukan hal yang lebih dari diriku saat itu. Bahwa banyak hal di dalam dan di luar diriku yang belum aku ketahui. Bahwa aku bisa memanfaatkan itu semua.

Yayaya, mungkin kamu tak pernah berpikir sejauh ini. But now I’m telling you how much you mean to me! You’ve changed my mind. You’ve changed the way I live my life. You showed me that I can do things more than I ever, ever, ever imagined. You showed me how to release myself, how to stop depend on others. Being independent.

Yes, you do that much to me, even until now. And I’m so proud of you by that. 😉

Sayangnya, saat itu, kita masih terlalu cepat ‘berkenalan’. Kita belum sejauh itu mengenal satu sama lain.

One by one, bad thing was coming. We start to fight for silly things. One moment I remember: when we shut ourselves off just because there’s somebody text you and you didn’t tell me who that really was.

I became so emotional. I was mad. We fight for a while, then I kept silent along the way until we’re home. I also remember, you seemed so fine, you were still humming to yourself as if nothing happened. And that’s what made me feel crazier.

As the result, I text you. A very long long long text. Explaining what I feel at that moment. Emotionally.

After I hit ‘SEND’, I knew you would hate that. I just knew it. And I regret it. But a second after feeling guilty, I felt that you, as my boyfriend, need to know what I don’t like. Next minute I felt so wrong again. Two minutes later I thought that actually I’m not that wrong. And it became a cycle. It’s driving me crazy. I cried. You replied me. I didn’t remember what you were telling me but one thing I know: I was terribly sad. I knew we would never be the same again.

I guess so. Because some times later, you asked us to break up. Yes, you said to me in a good way because at that time problems were (seem) solved. You told me in a way which I never knew before. Nobody asked me to break up that way. Moreover, you said that the reason why you wanna break up was not because of the wrong thing I did, or the wrong thing you did. You said that it’s for our sakes. And for reasons that I cannot mention here.

And I think, you also mentioned that you would come back for me.

Please, don’t blame me if obviously you didn’t say that! Sometimes I can’t differentiate between what I believe in and what’s in reality. Yeah it’s bad, I know..

*deep sigh*

Sooo, that’s a point where all these nightmares began. At first month (or second?) we still act like we’re lovers. I don’t understand how come but that’s what truly hapenned. We were still dating, eat together, traveling around Surabaya, etc etc.

Entah bagaimana, aku lebih menyukai kamu yang ini. Rasanya kamu lebih perhatian padaku. Kamu ingat waktu beberapa jam sebelum kita jadi panitia ospek di kampus? Kita nekat jalan-jalan dulu ke Gramedia Expo. Kamu jemput aku naik motor which I hate that because the helmet can mess my veil up. Hahaha.

Next, akhirnya kita berangkat. Kebiasaanku, aku pasti ngantuk kalau dibonceng naik motor dalam jangka waktu yang agak lama. So I laid my head on your shoulder. I closed my eyes.

I closed my eyes, I felt the wind blew toward my face, sometimes I opened my eyes so I’d see your eyes right in front of my face…

I felt like I wanna be like this forever. I was looking at him and pray: God, I do love this guy, please don’t separate us, no.. I can’t even imagine if such that thing happen. The only thing I know is that I love him so much. He’s my other half, I already told him. He’s the one that I’m singing for. He’s the one who I’m crying for. He’s the one who I’m praying for instead of my family. That time, I really hope God was listening to me..

Back to story, finally we’re inside Gramedia Expo. My stomach was really felt not good, I did not eat properly that day. And, surprisingly, he realized that! He asked me if I wanna go home, but I said no. I wanna be with him today. Hihihi.

From Gramedia Expo, we went home. On the way he asked me to eat (you have no idea how happy I was ;)). The thing that I didn’t expect is he also asked me what kind of food I wanna eat.. Seriously, he never do that to me before! So I said, I want something watery.

Amazingly again, he brought me to a stall: soto ayam. I couldn’t help smiling at that time. I asked to myself, he can be this worry about me? Wow. I didn’t expect this at all.. Haha.

After we were done eating, he sent me home so I could prepare my stuff. That’s how our day ended..

Entahlah, lama kelamaan rasanya kami semakin jauh satu sama lain. Tapi mengingat sebenarnya kami sudah bukan pacar lagi, wajar juga sepertinya.

The more we’re getting further, the more I act awkwardly to him. My text-language (you know what I mean?) was changed. I text him just like I text other guys. I don’t mean to be like that, but this comes naturally to me. Prinsipku: aku nggak bakal kegatelan sama orang yang bukan pacarku. Kegatelan di sini termasuk: SMS sok mesra, sok deket-deket, dan sebangsanya. That’s really not me.

Last February was our 1st year anniversary. Yes, it’s been that long… I often can’t help to say ‘Hey you standing there! I love you! Can’t you see that?! I’m suffering for not able to tell you! Now let me see what are you gonna do about this! Hah!!’ to him.

But I know I will be badly ashamed if I do that so I don’t. *damn*

Couple weeks ago my mom told me that, every girl in this world must have a man who is ASSUMED as her ‘fiance’ before 20 or 21 years old. Earlier is better.

Let me emphasize. FIANCE, not BOYFRIEND.

And do you know when will I become 20 years old? This July!

And until now I still don’t get any clarity from the guy I told you above if he still loves me or not (and I think he still does *digampar*). If he want to marry me someday or not. If he want to meet my parents or not.

Well. This guy makes me crazier and crazier. My parents love to mess my mind up for thinking stuff like this.

But seriously, I wanna say this to that guy:

HEY! I LOVE YOU! AKU SAYANG KAMU! KAMU SAYANG AKU NGGAK SIH?? KELAKUAN KAMU TUH BIKIN AKU BINGUNG! AKU NGGAK MINTA KAMU NGAJAK AKU JALAN-JALAN ATAU BELIIN AKU COKLAT ATAU APA, AKU CUMA MINTA KAMU BILANG KAMU SAYANG APA ENGGAK SAMA AKU! AKU BUTUH DENGER ITU LANGSUNG DARI MULUT KAMU! BUKAN AKU NEBAK-NEBAK NGGAK JELAS GINI!!

Yeah. Funny.

I can only tell you this right now, Peeps. Trust me, there are MORE here inside my head.

I’m sorry if I write this down, GIL. I really don’t know what else to do while actually I really wanna talk to you directly. But I just don’t know how to start it.

That’s all. Bye.

P. S.: Maaf ya bahasanya campur-campur nggak enak diliat… Hiks.

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